Hospice of the Comforter

Here they come again: The Holidays. Christmas decorations are up in the store, and many of us are still munching on leftover Halloween candy. Jack-o-lantern centerpieces make way for Thanksgiving turkeys and before you know it, there are invitations to holiday parties, toy drives, and Christmas tree lots everywhere you turn.

For just about everyone, the holiday season can be a rollercoaster of emotions. Shopping for gifts and fitting celebrations into an already tight schedule are only a couple of the numerous duties we tend to from November through January. But for people who love someone who is dying, or for the bereaved, the daily reminders of holidays past can evoke emotions that are overwhelming.

Rose, a Hospice of the Comforter employee, recalls the emotions she felt after she lost her brother. “We had good hospice care, and had faced grief as a family, but still, at unexpected times, I had grief attacks.” When Christmas came less than two months after his death, one of Rose’s more difficult tasks was managing the feelings that came when she recalled years past when she made the trip north to enjoy the holiday with her siblings. “I loved those visits, and it was hard to think they would not occur again.”

A study of grieving widows by Catherine Carnelley, Camile Wortman and their colleagues showed that it is typical for bereaved to have strong reactions to important dates, and often these are major holidays. Carnelley and Wortman call these “anniversary reactions.” Their study showed that although anniversary reactions are often quite intense, especially in the first few years, for most people they usually last no more than a few hours.

Whether intense and lengthy, or just brief waves of emotion, it is important to have tools to cope for the feelings that can come during the holiday period.

Laura, a Hospice of the Comforter volunteer, spent a year devoted to the care of her beloved husband. Like Rose, the holidays came very soon after his passing. “When it came time to decide what I would do about where and when to go visit people, I just did what I wanted. We continued our normal traditions, but I decided when I would go to a family member’s home, and even chose times to be alone. I felt good with that, and I let them know it was my choice.”

Laura felt that she had to be careful about hurting others’ feelings, and sometimes she did need to compromise. But honest conversations helped to maintain peace. “I was glad to be my husband’s sole caregiver all of those months, but when he was gone I wanted time to take care of me. When he was dying we both learned things through the process, one of them being the importance of honoring oneself. So when I take time for myself during busy holidays, I am honoring my husband, too, and that feels good to me”

Kenneth J. Doka, Bereavement Consultant for Hospice Foundation of America , suggests a holiday plan that Laura seemed to know inherently. “Nothing changes the fact that the holidays can be especially difficult while grieving. But as we choose our actions, communicate our choices with others, and find suitable compromises, we may find that they are bearable. And that gives us renewed strength and hope.”

Coping can be different for everyone. Some choose to serve others through volunteering at a local charity as a way to get a little bit outside of themselves and away from their personal feelings of sadness. Others, like Laura, carve out some time for themselves. Maybe a stress-relieving massage or some quiet time reading a book provides respite.

Understanding that the world keeps turning in spite of your loss is part of the ongoing process of bereavement, but during the holidays, it becomes especially challenging. Christmas carols, Hanukah traditions, and young families in line for a visit with Santa are just a few of the sounds and sights that can be painful for the grieving.

Focusing on what can be done to get through the holidays will help you prepare and survive. You might even find yourself feeling better than you expected.

• Talk to a professional (like Hospice of the Comforter grief counselors)

• Stay well-nourished and hydrated.

• Honor your loved one by making a donation in his or her name.

• Help someone else.

• Write in a journal.

• Take a yoga class.

• Spend time in nature.

• Skip the parties if you want, and stay home with a close friend.

• Shop online to avoid the decorations AND the crowds.

• Take a trip with family or close friends somewhere new.

• Talk about your loved one at celebratory dinners. It’s okay.

• Start a new holiday tradition in your loved one’s honor. Make it something that he or she would love.

• Watch a sad movie and cry.

• Watch a funny movie and laugh.

• Be prepared to understand that others might not talk about your loved one because they don’t know what to say. Tell them how they can help you.

Click here for the National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization's 9 Tips for Helping Someone Who is Grieving During the Holidays.

This time of year provides us all with a glimpse or sometimes even a long look at our world at its best. In this environment of peace and generosity of spirit, there might be just what you need to sustain yourself through the holidays and beyond.

“Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.” -Hamilton Wright Mabie, American essayist

Hospice of the Comforter’s Horizons Bereavement Center offers support and resources to help you cope with your loss. Whether or not your loved one used hospice services, our compassionate bereavement counselors will guide you and your family though the grieving process. By creating a comfortable environment to share emotions and normalizing the grief process, the counselors at Hospice of the Comforter’s Horizons Bereavement Center help grieving persons achieve personal growth and adjust to the new reality of their lives following their loved one’s death.

^{_{Katherine B. Carnelley, Camille B. Wortman, Niall Bolger, Christopher T. Burke. The Time Course of Grief Reactions to Spousal Loss:Evidence From a National Probability Sample, Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 2006, Vol. 91, No. 3, 476–492}}

^{_{Kenneth Doka, “Three Cs of Coping with the Holidays,” http://www.hospicefoundation.org/pages/page.asp?page_id=78978}}