Hospice of the Comforter

     How do we help those we care about in their life review work? Below are some prompts which can be used by family, friends or professional caregivers to accompany the very ill or grieving on their life review journey:

     Childhood

• What do you remember about when you were a young child? What was life like?
• Who took care of you? What were they like?
• Did you have any brothers or sisters? If yes, what were each of them like?
• Where did you live?

     Adolescence

• Where did you go to school? What was your school like?
• Who were your closest friends?
• What was your relationship like with your parents?
• Who was your "first love"?
• What was the most unpleasant thing about being a teenager?
• What was the best thing about being a teenager?

Adulthood

• What kind of person were you?
• What did you enjoy doing?
• Was there someone you shared your life with? How did you meet?
• What kind of work did you do?
• What were some of the challenges you faced in your adult years?
• What were some of the "defining moments" in your life?
• Did you have children? What can you remember about each one?
• Is there a faith tradition that you are a part of? If yes, is this an important part of your life?
• What are some of the significant historical events that you remember? How did they affect your life?

     General

• What are your greatest achievements?
• If you were going to live your life over again, what would you do differently? The same?
• What was the unhappiest period of your life? What did you learn from it?
• What was the happiest period of your life?
• What were the most difficult things that you have had to deal with in your life?
• Tell me about your experience living with a terminal illness or coming to terms with your own mortality.
• Do you have any other words of wisdom that you would like to pass on?

^{From: http://www2.edc.org/lastacts/archives/archivesJuly00/lifereview.asp}

     Another wonderful way to open up the memory bank is through playing music and reviewing photographs and news stories from throughout the person’s life.

     Interestingly, when life review is undertaken with a person near the end of life, the family and friends often benefit as well. In an article titled Life Review with the Terminally Ill by Jenko, Gonzalez and Seymour in the May/June 2007 issue of the Journal of Hospice and Palliative Nursing, the lead author recounts an experience with a 72-year-old man who was dying in her hospice unit.

     After several weeks of caring for his physical needs, he was asked about meeting his wife of 53 years. He explained how he met her just before being sent off to WWII. He began to recount horrific war experiences and talked about holding an image of his wife in his mind along with the intense desire to return and create a life with her as the force that sustained him through such difficulty.

     “I asked God to keep me alive…to come back and marry her…to give me three sons…He gave me everything I asked for.” His wife tearfully explained to the nurse that he had never before talked about his war experiences and her role in sustaining him. Often families discover new stories that explain much about who this person was and the motivation for their actions. Such information can be a consolation in the future when that person is no longer with them.

     In addition, life review is an integral part of the grief journey, from retelling the actual circumstances of the loss until they become a reality, to recapturing the memories, both joyful and difficult, which defined the life shared with the person who died. In grief, life review eventually contributes to choosing new life directions as the person evaluates what is still possible for them.

     Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen has gifted us with two books based on the stories she has collected from her own life, but also from the lives of seriously ill patients and of her colleagues in healthcare. Here is her wisdom regarding the exploration and sharing of our stories:

     Everybody is a story… Most of us live lives that are far richer and more meaningful than we appreciate. We carry most of the stories unread…until we have grown the capacity or the readiness to read them. When that happens they may come back to us filled with a previously unsuspected meaning.
     Real stories take time. Life rushes us along and few people are strong enough to stop on their own. Most often, something unforeseen stops us and it is only then we have the time to take a seat at life’s kitchen table. To know our own story and tell it. To listen to other people’s stories. In telling them, we are telling each other the human story. Stories that touch us in this place of common humanness awaken us and weave us together…once again.

Resources

^{• Albom, Mitch, Tuesdays With Morrie Doubleday, 1997}

^{• Baines, Barry K., M.D., Ethical Wills: Putting Your Values on Paper, Perseus Publishing, 2001.}

^{• Bastian, E.,& Staley, T. Living Fully Dying Well: Reflecting on Death to Find Your Life's Meaning. Sounds True, 2009.}

^{• Birren, James & Feldman, Linda. Where to Go From Here: Discovering Your Own Life’s Wisdom in Your Second Fifty. Simon & Schuster, 1997.}

^{• Byock, Ira. The Four Things That Matter Most: A Book About Living. Free Press, 2004.}

^{• Callanan, Maggie and Kelley, Patricia, Final Gifts, Bantam Books, 1997}

^{• Haight, B.K. & Haight, B.S. The Handbook of Structured Life Review Health Professions Press, 2007.}

^{• Kunz, J. & Soltys, F.G. Transformational Reminiscence: Life Story Work. Springer, 2007.}

^{• Phifer, Nan. (2010) Memoirs of the Soul: A Writing Guide. Ingot Press. Available on Amazon.com.} 

^{• Remen, Rachel Naomi M.D. Kitchen Table Wisdom, Riverhead Books, 1996.}

^{• Schacter-Shalomi, Zalman and Miller, Ronald. From Age-ing to Sage-ing, Warner Books, 1997}